Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
You have a gambling addiction?
ontop of that you're a degenerate?
congratz. you have a horse racing game with anime girls.
what do else do you want me to tell you?
I like the vodka one, shes an alcoholic.
This combination of gambling and alcoholism reminds me of dad.
I tried. God, I tried.
I gave her the best shoes, the best meals, trained her under the clearest skies, and yet… she lost.
She stumbled on the final corner, and I stumbled as a trainer, no, as a human being.
How do I look her in the eyes after this? Those bright, hopeful eyes that once sparkled with dreams of victory… now clouded with tears.
“I’ll win next time, Trainer!” she said, forcing a smile through her trembling lips — but I knew it was for my sake.
I wasn’t just training a racer. I was nurturing a dream. And I crushed it with my incompetence.
I picked the wrong races. I misjudged her stats. I overtrained when she needed rest.
I failed to notice she was tired.
I failed to see she needed a break.
I failed… her.
The crowds cheered for another, but I heard nothing. Just the sound of her hooves slowing, her breath short, her heart breaking.
And mine with it.
If you're reading this… cherish your horsegirl. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Because sometimes, it's not the race you lose —
It’s her trust.
Yoh dawg. Heard you wanted your gambling addiction to go with yo gambling addiction. So we put monster rancher and roguelite elements into your gambling simulator that comes out as a soup that actually plays ridiculously well. We also turned those famous horses into waifus.
A bad Trainer blames the horse.
A bad Trainer blames the gacha.
A true Trainer knows they are at fault when their horse loses the race.
A true Trainer hugs the screen and whispers, “You tried your best.”
A true Trainer spends 3 hours perfecting a schedule, only to watch her girl trip at the starting line.
10/10 would raise horse idols again. (This is honestly a great game.)
This game devoured my soul and gave me a reason to keep breathing through the misery.
Before Umamusume: Pretty Derby, I was bitchless, broke, starved for serotonin, and violently unbased.
Then I saw her — Oguri Cap — shining like a silvery carb-fueled deity on my screen.
She ran a 3,000m race after digesting 14 metric tons of rice, and didn’t even sweat.
Shakespeare? Illiterate.
Tolkien? Mid.
Oguri Cap? Built different.
Her thighs could crush tanks.
Her eyes pierce into my soul.
She doesn't just run — she ascends across the track like a war crime with legs.
This wasn’t a game. This was a religious experience. A transmission from God himself: “You will never be enough. But she will.”
10/10
Remove the region lock on the songs on Spotify so I can loop Zettai Tonari or else I am putting all of my Umas in the glue factory
Edit: They are afraid of the power of my Glue Factory.
Sometimes I fantasize about Oguri Cap coming home drunk and beating me until i feel numb. She'd kick me in the ribs until I can hardly breathe. Then she starts to cry and apologizes, begging me to forgive her. She holds me all night as I gently cry into her chest.
Is there any hope for me
This game changed my life. Before seeing Umamusume: Pretty Derby in the steam shop, I was torn, bitchless, destitute, perhaps even devastated. Then my eyes and ears were blessed with a chorus of 15 horse girls performing on stage. Tears streamed from my eyes; I knew my life would never be the same. Thrilling gameplay, inspiring soundtracks, enticing story, this game truly has it all. It is as Haddam Hussain once said to his peers: "This shit is peak". Words can describe how I feel about this game. This game even goes as far as to break the fourth wall, affecting my real life. My mother walked in on my first derby cup race, and needless to say, tears began to stream out of her eyes as well. "Oh my son, how I'm so proud of you. You are morbidly a beast!". Now after a lifetime (0.3 hours) of gameplay, I am truly transformed. Yes I am still torn, bitchless, and destitute, but I am happy, knowing that I will exist to see Umamusume: Pretty Derby live in the steam store
I tried. God, I tried.
I gave her the best shoes, the best meals, trained her under the clearest skies, and yet… she lost.
She stumbled on the final corner, and I stumbled as a trainer, no, as a human being.
How do I look her in the eyes after this? Those bright, hopeful eyes that once sparkled with dreams of victory… now clouded with tears.
“I’ll win next time, Trainer!” she said, forcing a smile through her trembling lips — but I knew it was for my sake.
I wasn’t just training a racer. I was nurturing a dream. And I crushed it with my incompetence.
I picked the wrong races. I misjudged her stats. I overtrained when she needed rest.
I failed to notice she was tired.
I failed to see she needed a break.
I failed… her.
The crowds cheered for another, but I heard nothing. Just the sound of her hooves slowing, her breath short, her heart breaking.
And mine with it.
If you're reading this… cherish your horsegirl. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Because sometimes, it's not the race you lose —
It’s her trust.
3 hours into the game and I've already changed my steam profile picture to be that of Haru Urara. This game is peak and hypes me up more than the knowledge that the next shipment of cocaine is arriving.
Sometimes I fantasize about Gold Ship coming home drunk and beating me untill feel numb. She kicks me in the ribs until I can hardly breathe. Then she starts to cry and apologizes, begging me to forgive her. She holds me all night as I gently cry into her chest.
Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
I've never truly understood the appeal in training games or even viewing sports until I heard this game was going to be released on Steam. Now I'm screaming at my monitor begging Tokai Teio to not be overtaken and sighing out of frustration when I see her ears drop out of disappointment after crossing the finishing line in second place. You may cheer or you may cry but one thing I'm certain of is that you will never be bored.
Remove the region lock on the songs on Spotify so I can loop Zettai Tonari or else I am putting all of my Umas in the glue factory
Edit: They are afraid of the power of my Glue Factory.
My buddy told me about this game and it sounded so dumb. And it is. It's absurd. You train and race horse girls.
I'm 10 hours in and I'm planning out generations of horse girl breeding to get the fastest and most powerful horse girl.
It's an absurd premise that covers a deep and strategic rogue-like sports management sim that has me yelling at an anime girl for running in front of my anime girl.
Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
You have a gambling addiction?
ontop of that you're a degenerate?
congratz. you have a horse racing game with anime girls.
what do else do you want me to tell you?
I like the vodka one, shes an alcoholic.
This combination of gambling and alcoholism reminds me of dad.
I tried. God, I tried.
I gave her the best shoes, the best meals, trained her under the clearest skies, and yet… she lost.
She stumbled on the final corner, and I stumbled as a trainer, no, as a human being.
How do I look her in the eyes after this? Those bright, hopeful eyes that once sparkled with dreams of victory… now clouded with tears.
“I’ll win next time, Trainer!” she said, forcing a smile through her trembling lips — but I knew it was for my sake.
I wasn’t just training a racer. I was nurturing a dream. And I crushed it with my incompetence.
I picked the wrong races. I misjudged her stats. I overtrained when she needed rest.
I failed to notice she was tired.
I failed to see she needed a break.
I failed… her.
The crowds cheered for another, but I heard nothing. Just the sound of her hooves slowing, her breath short, her heart breaking.
And mine with it.
If you're reading this… cherish your horsegirl. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Because sometimes, it's not the race you lose —
It’s her trust.
Yoh dawg. Heard you wanted your gambling addiction to go with yo gambling addiction. So we put monster rancher and roguelite elements into your gambling simulator that comes out as a soup that actually plays ridiculously well. We also turned those famous horses into waifus.
A bad Trainer blames the horse.
A bad Trainer blames the gacha.
A true Trainer knows they are at fault when their horse loses the race.
A true Trainer hugs the screen and whispers, “You tried your best.”
A true Trainer spends 3 hours perfecting a schedule, only to watch her girl trip at the starting line.
10/10 would raise horse idols again. (This is honestly a great game.)
This game devoured my soul and gave me a reason to keep breathing through the misery.
Before Umamusume: Pretty Derby, I was bitchless, broke, starved for serotonin, and violently unbased.
Then I saw her — Oguri Cap — shining like a silvery carb-fueled deity on my screen.
She ran a 3,000m race after digesting 14 metric tons of rice, and didn’t even sweat.
Shakespeare? Illiterate.
Tolkien? Mid.
Oguri Cap? Built different.
Her thighs could crush tanks.
Her eyes pierce into my soul.
She doesn't just run — she ascends across the track like a war crime with legs.
This wasn’t a game. This was a religious experience. A transmission from God himself: “You will never be enough. But she will.”
10/10
Remove the region lock on the songs on Spotify so I can loop Zettai Tonari or else I am putting all of my Umas in the glue factory
Edit: They are afraid of the power of my Glue Factory.
Sometimes I fantasize about Oguri Cap coming home drunk and beating me until i feel numb. She'd kick me in the ribs until I can hardly breathe. Then she starts to cry and apologizes, begging me to forgive her. She holds me all night as I gently cry into her chest.
Is there any hope for me
This game changed my life. Before seeing Umamusume: Pretty Derby in the steam shop, I was torn, bitchless, destitute, perhaps even devastated. Then my eyes and ears were blessed with a chorus of 15 horse girls performing on stage. Tears streamed from my eyes; I knew my life would never be the same. Thrilling gameplay, inspiring soundtracks, enticing story, this game truly has it all. It is as Haddam Hussain once said to his peers: "This shit is peak". Words can describe how I feel about this game. This game even goes as far as to break the fourth wall, affecting my real life. My mother walked in on my first derby cup race, and needless to say, tears began to stream out of her eyes as well. "Oh my son, how I'm so proud of you. You are morbidly a beast!". Now after a lifetime (0.3 hours) of gameplay, I am truly transformed. Yes I am still torn, bitchless, and destitute, but I am happy, knowing that I will exist to see Umamusume: Pretty Derby live in the steam store
I tried. God, I tried.
I gave her the best shoes, the best meals, trained her under the clearest skies, and yet… she lost.
She stumbled on the final corner, and I stumbled as a trainer, no, as a human being.
How do I look her in the eyes after this? Those bright, hopeful eyes that once sparkled with dreams of victory… now clouded with tears.
“I’ll win next time, Trainer!” she said, forcing a smile through her trembling lips — but I knew it was for my sake.
I wasn’t just training a racer. I was nurturing a dream. And I crushed it with my incompetence.
I picked the wrong races. I misjudged her stats. I overtrained when she needed rest.
I failed to notice she was tired.
I failed to see she needed a break.
I failed… her.
The crowds cheered for another, but I heard nothing. Just the sound of her hooves slowing, her breath short, her heart breaking.
And mine with it.
If you're reading this… cherish your horsegirl. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Because sometimes, it's not the race you lose —
It’s her trust.
3 hours into the game and I've already changed my steam profile picture to be that of Haru Urara. This game is peak and hypes me up more than the knowledge that the next shipment of cocaine is arriving.
Sometimes I fantasize about Gold Ship coming home drunk and beating me untill feel numb. She kicks me in the ribs until I can hardly breathe. Then she starts to cry and apologizes, begging me to forgive her. She holds me all night as I gently cry into her chest.
Average Umamusume Support Event:
“Wow, this stew we made sure is yummy!”
>Energy went up by 10.
Average Gold Ship Support Event:
“Trainer, I jerry rigged a bomb to detonate on McQueen. Hilarious prank right?”
>Wit went up by 10.
>Gained 3 hint level(s) for The Uma Bomber
I've never truly understood the appeal in training games or even viewing sports until I heard this game was going to be released on Steam. Now I'm screaming at my monitor begging Tokai Teio to not be overtaken and sighing out of frustration when I see her ears drop out of disappointment after crossing the finishing line in second place. You may cheer or you may cry but one thing I'm certain of is that you will never be bored.
Remove the region lock on the songs on Spotify so I can loop Zettai Tonari or else I am putting all of my Umas in the glue factory
Edit: They are afraid of the power of my Glue Factory.
My buddy told me about this game and it sounded so dumb. And it is. It's absurd. You train and race horse girls.
I'm 10 hours in and I'm planning out generations of horse girl breeding to get the fastest and most powerful horse girl.
It's an absurd premise that covers a deep and strategic rogue-like sports management sim that has me yelling at an anime girl for running in front of my anime girl.
