SteamCritique
Quiz
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ARK: Survival AscendedARK: Survival Ascended
Stephen Hawking runs better than this game
5868 votes funny
Stephen Hawking runs better than this game
5868 votes funny
I want to see the NASA pc that this game was tested on before releasing to the public EDIT: Thanks for all the gifts everyone! Being that this got so much traction, I wanted to edit my review. Although at first the game was literally unplayable, after defeating the login boss and a couple updates later, ARK IS BACK ONLINE. The game has incredibly captivating graphics with a greatly improved depth of view in regards to brightness, saturation and detail. Countless improvements that I could list but I'm not getting paid for this.... needless to say: I'm back on the Ark grind. See you online >:) I would change to recommended, but you have to be a die hard Ark fan to put up with the bugs
2486 votes funny
Feels like 2015 all over again: single-digit frame rates and bodies disappearing into the ground geometry. I am giddy with nostalgia. Who needs shiny new maps or a sequel? Not me! I will be here, playing Ark: PowerPoint Ascended. Thanks for the memories and the slideshow, Wildcard. 30 hours later: This title is in Early Access. Anyone purchasing an EA title should expect performance issues and significant changes to the game over time. I am recommending it based on that understanding. I spun up a dedicated vanilla server and started running The Island last week. Due to other needs, I picked up a GeForce 4090 last Friday, so I have had a chance to evaluate throughout the release patches, different playing environments, and different GPUs. I can max everything and enable Ray Tracing at 5k (playing on a 49" 32:9 monitor) with the 4090 and stay at 60 FPS without any dips. With the 3070 ti, it spans between 20-40 FPS on Medium settings. The game has optimization issues, which was the point of my original short review the night it was released. Ark Survival Evolved had exactly the same shortcomings when it was released in Early Access in 2015, which, while ironic, is also why I am still recommending the game. Bugs will get squashed, and performance issues will be resolved. It might take a while, but even in low settings, the game is still gorgeous, and the subtle changes to gameplay and the map are encouraging. I am looking forward to seeing the release of the rest of the official maps.
1913 votes funny
Found a family of dodos, killed its parents and took the kid for myself. Named him batman
1365 votes funny
i ate a berry and my game crashed :)
1266 votes funny
Barely works, crashes every 10 seconds and runs at 10fps. Ark is back baby!
1007 votes funny
Getting 30-45 FPS with an RTX 4090 and i9 13900K at 1440p....
954 votes funny
Please be so kind to vote this up so that the game developers and players can see this. I finally found out how to fix the game or the server crashing! There are two secret multipliers the game developers forgot to modify before release. In your GameUserSettings.ini, add the following lines: RandomCrashGeneratorMultiplier = 60 FullWindowsCrashMultiplier = 120 A setting of 60 for RandomCrashGeneratorMultiplier means the game or the server crashes every 60 minutes. A setting of 120 for FullWindowsCrashMultiplier means your whole computer crashes every 120 minutes. Unfortunately, the default values for both multipliers were left on 10 after the final test before the release of the game. I hope this helps you out and have a nice day enjoying ARK Survival Ascended! <3
866 votes funny
my country economy runs more stable
802 votes funny
absolutely disgusting awful trash, i will play 2k hours of this.
768 votes funny
-last game good -this game good -need pc that can make heat for the winter -it will make heat -i like heat in the winter -so i like dis game -last game was worse it made less heat
688 votes funny
I tried to tame a dodo and the game crashed.
688 votes funny
My computer is on life support because of a dinosaur game
655 votes funny
---{ Graphics }--- ☐ You forget what reality is ☑ Beautiful ☐ Good ☐ Decent ☐ Bad ☐ Don‘t look too long at it ☐ MS-DOS ---{ Gameplay }--- ☐ Very good ☑ Good ☐ It's just gameplay ☐ Mehh ☐ Watch paint dry instead ☐ Just don't ---{ Audio }--- ☑ Eargasm ☐ Very good ☐ Good ☐ Not too bad ☐ Bad ☑ I'm now deaf ---{ Audience }--- ☑ Kids ☑ Teens ☑ Adults ☑ Grandma ---{ PC Requirements }--- ☐ Check if you can run paint ☐ Potato ☐ Decent ☐ Fast ☐ Rich boi ☑ Ask NASA if they have a spare computer ---{ Game Size }--- ☐ Floppy Disk ☐ Old Fashioned ☐ Workable ☐ Big ☐ Will eat 10% of your 1TB hard drive ☑ You will want an entire hard drive to hold it ☐ You will need to invest in a black hole to hold all the data ---{ Difficulty }--- ☐ Just press 'W' ☐ Easy ☐ Easy to learn / Hard to master ☑ Significant brain usage ☐ Difficult ☐ Dark Souls ---{ Grind }--- ☐ Nothing to grind ☐ Only if u care about leaderboards/ranks ☐ Isn't necessary to progress ☑ Average grind level ☐ Too much grind ☐ You'll need a second life for grinding ---{ Story }--- ☐ No Story ☐ Some lore ☐ Average ☑ Good ☐ Lovely ☐ It'll replace your life ---{ Game Time }--- ☐ Long enough for a cup of coffee ☐ Short ☐ Average ☑ Long long man ☐ To infinity and beyond ---{ Price }--- ☐ It's free! ☐ Worth the price ☐ If it's on sale ☐ If u have some spare money left ☐ Not recommended ☑ You could also just burn your money ---{ Bugs }--- ☐ Never heard of ☐ Minor bugs ☐ Can get annoying ☐ ARK: Survival Evolved ☑ ARK: Survival Ascended ---{ ? / 10 }--- ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☑ 5 ☐ 6 ☐ 7 ☐ 8 ☐ 9 ☐ 10
614 votes funny
Positives: It's Ark Negatives: It's Ark
525 votes funny
⢸⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⡷⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⡇⠢⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠈⠑⢦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Are you wasting my money again, son? ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠖⠒⠒⠒⢤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⣀⢤⣼⣀⡠⠤⠤⠼⠤⡄⠀⠀ ⡇⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⠑⡤⠤⡒⠒⠒⡊⠙⡏⠀⢀ ⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⠢⡄⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠇⠀⣀⣀⣀⣀⢀⠧⠟⠁⠀ ⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠸⣀⠀⠀⠈⢉⠟⠓⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢱⡖⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⢺⠧⢄⣀⠀⠀⣀⣀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⣠⠃⢸⠀⠀⠈⠉⡽⠿⠯⡆⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⣰⠁⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠉⠀⠀ ⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠣⠀⠀⢸⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⢇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡌⠀⠈⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⠃⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸  
482 votes funny
im from Australia and this game just feels like a normal day small spiders tho
410 votes funny
I have been called multiple slurs
409 votes funny
This game cost me everything. I play, well played, most games with a GTX 1060 ti. Not exactly the most powerful piece of machinery but she was a fighter and got me through many a modern game. I had absolutely no problems playing through ASE and figured I would give this game a try, I mean how bad could it possibly be? Well I would soon find out. I started the download at 7 am today and after a nice 8 hour stint, I was finally able to open up the game at 3:07 pm. Almost immediately my computers fans kicked on which was not abnormal given the tech I was working with. I turned all of the graphics down to the lowest they could possibly go, I had to give my computer a fighting chance, and then clicked through the main menu. Bit by bit my fans picked up speed, getting louder and louder as I made my way through the character creation screen. The frames weren't great, I was getting about 20-30 FPS, but all things considered it could have been a LOT worse. With my horrendously disfigured character, so bad that even the Habsburg family would have been disgusted, complete, it was finally time to take the leap of faith into ASA. As the game world slowly loaded, my PC fans begun to even faster, it felt like any moment my PC would simply take flight. And the sound my fans were making was horrendous, it was almost as if they were.. screaming? My computer began to radiate heat, I was a little worried, so I gave it a quick tap to check its temperature and immediately burned my finger. In pain, but relatively still unfazed, I decided to continue on. That's when I saw it, LIGHT! The game was finally done loading, I was about to play ASA. I heard the signature starting music as my computer screamed in the background. My room was starting to get hot, I began to sweat slightly. With everything loaded, I took my first step forward in game. I only had a single FPS and a dream but I was determined to play this masterpiece. After pressing W again, I took my next step in game 15 seconds later. I was overcome with excitement, it was finally happening, I WAS PLAYING ASA! It took me another two minutes but I walked around the rock I first spawned by and that is when I saw it, the beautiful ocean. I was truly awe struck, that moment alone made the whole 9 hours it took to get there totally worth it. But then it dawned on me, the screaming had stopped, and in its place I smelled something... smoke. I quickly looked down at my PC and saw that, like the caveman I was playing in game, I too had managed to start a fire. At first, the blaze was relatively small and probably would have been pretty manageable for someone with a level head, but I began to panic. I got up from my desk and grabbed my limited edition full-size Hatsune Miku pillow from nearby off of my bed and began to frantically beat my flaming PC with it. This only made things worse, and soon my beloved Hatsune was also on fire. I dropped her onto my carpet floor, after all when I whispered in her ear every night that I wanted our love to be full of fire and passion that is NOT what I meant, and ran out of my apartment door. The blaze quickly spread and when I eventually made it outside, I realized that I had done nothing to alert the other residents in my building, I didn't even pull the fire alarm. I also realized I forgot to put on pants. I sat outside, once again awe struck, and I watched the building slowly become engulfed in flames. I would later find out that not everyone would make it out of the fire. In total six people died that evening, including my beloved Hatsune. All of my possessions were destroyed in the fire, and I don't have any sort of insurance. So now here I am, sitting at a bus stop cold and half naked with nothing left to my name except for my shirt and my phone, writing this review. Don't make the same mistake I did. PLAY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
398 votes funny
EARLY ACCESS REVIEW ---{ Graphics }--- ☐ You forget what reality is ☑ Beautiful ☐ Good ☐ Decent ☐ Bad ☐ Don‘t look too long at it ☐ MS-DOS ---{ Gameplay }--- ☐ Very good ☑ Good ☐ It's just gameplay ☐ Mehh ☐ Watch paint dry instead ☐ Just don't ---{ Audio }--- ☑ Eargasm ☐ Very good ☐ Good ☐ Not too bad ☐ Bad ☑ I'm now deaf ---{ Audience }--- ☑ Kids ☑ Teens ☑ Adults ☑ Grandma ---{ PC Requirements }--- ☐ Check if you can run paint ☐ Potato ☐ Decent ☐ Fast ☐ Rich boi ☑ Ask NASA if they have a spare computer ---{ Game Size }--- ☐ Floppy Disk ☐ Old Fashioned ☐ Workable ☐ Big ☑ Will eat 10% of your 1TB hard drive ☐ You will want an entire hard drive to hold it ☐ You will need to invest in a black hole to hold all the data ---{ Difficulty }--- ☐ Just press 'W' ☐ Easy ☐ Easy to learn / Hard to master ☑ Significant brain usage ☐ Difficult ☐ Dark Souls ---{ Grind }--- ☐ Nothing to grind ☐ Only if u care about leaderboards/ranks ☐ Isn't necessary to progress ☑ Average grind level ☐ Too much grind ☐ You'll need a second life for grinding ---{ Story }--- ☐ No Story ☐ Some lore ☐ Average ☐ Good ☑ Lovely ☐ It'll replace your life ---{ Game Time }--- ☐ Long enough for a cup of coffee ☐ Short ☐ Average ☑ Long long man ☐ To infinity and beyond ---{ Price }--- ☐ It's free! ☐ Worth the price ☐ If it's on sale ☐ If u have some spare money left ☐ Not recommended ☑ You could also just burn your money ---{ Bugs }--- ☐ Never heard of ☐ Minor bugs ☐ Can get annoying ☐ ARK: Survival Evolved ☑ ARK: Survival Ascended ---{ ? / 10 }--- ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5 ☐ 6 ☑ 7 ☐ 8 ☐ 9 ☐ 10  
388 votes funny
Nobody will read my review, so i will eat 1 Tablespoon of Mustard for every like this gets. Edit: Please stop, I’m running out of mustard..
369 votes funny
i tamed a bird. named it poopy butt and then my game crashed.
337 votes funny
My friend I play with said that if I post a review about the game and it gets 200 likes and 100 rewards, he'll buy me a bag of chips and a RTX 4090. So I'll leave this here.
283 votes funny
Positives: It's Ark Negatives: It's Ark
259 votes funny
---{ Graphics }--- ☐ You forget what reality is ☑ Beautiful ☐ Good ☐ Decent ☐ Bad ☐ Don‘t look too long at it ☐ MS-DOS ---{ Gameplay }--- ☐ Very good ☑ Good ☐ It's just gameplay ☐ Mehh ☐ Watch paint dry instead ☐ Just don't ---{ Audio }--- ☑ Eargasm ☐ Very good ☐ Good ☐ Not too bad ☐ Bad ☐ I'm now deaf ---{ Audience }--- ☐ Kids ☑ Teens ☑ Adults ☑ Grandma ---{ PC Requirements }--- ☐ Check if you can run paint ☐ Potato ☐ Decent ☐ Fast ☑ Rich boi ☐ Ask NASA if they have a spare computer ---{ Game Size }--- ☐ Floppy Disk ☐ Old Fashioned ☐ Workable ☐ Big ☐ Will eat 10% of your 1TB hard drive ☑ You will want an entire hard drive to hold it ☐ You will need to invest in a black hole to hold all the data ---{ Difficulty }--- ☐ Just press 'W' ☐ Easy ☑ Easy to learn / Hard to master ☐ Significant brain usage ☐ Difficult ☐ Dark Souls ---{ Grind }--- ☐ Nothing to grind ☐ Only if u care about leaderboards/ranks ☐ Isn't necessary to progress ☐ Average grind level ☐ Too much grind ☑ You'll need a second life for grinding ---{ Story }--- ☐ No Story ☐ Some lore ☐ Average ☑ Good ☐ Lovely ☐ It'll replace your life ---{ Game Time }--- ☐ Long enough for a cup of coffee ☐ Short ☐ Average ☑ Long ☐ To infinity and beyond ---{ Price }--- ☐ It's free! ☐ Worth the price ☑ If it's on sale ☐ If u have some spare money left ☐ Not recommended ☐ You could also just burn your money ---{ Bugs }--- ☐ Never heard of ☐ Minor bugs ☐ Can get annoying ☑ ARK: Survival Evolved ☐ The game itself is a big terrarium for bugs ---{ ? / 10 }--- ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5 ☐ 6 ☐ 7 ☑ 8 ☐ 9 ☐ 10
248 votes funny

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